Why I Believe in Emotional Regulation, Not Emotional Resilience for Autistic Children

By Aaron Yorke

Today, there is a focus on teaching autistic children to face their issues. They are expected to attend school when they are too anxious and are placed in social situations to improve their social skills.

Even the Education Secretary , emphasised the need for children to develop more “grit” to prepare them for life’s challenges. While resilience is important, we must be cautious about how we interpret and apply this concept, especially for autistic children.

That might sound controversial. After all, resilience is a buzzword in schools, in training sessions, and in parenting books. But when it comes to autistic children, I think we are getting this all wrong. We are confusing pressure with progress. And we are mistaking silence for success.

Emotional Regulation vs Emotional Resilience

Let us look at the two terms.

Emotional resilience is often described as the ability to bounce back. To face hard things. To push through discomfort and come out stronger.

Emotional regulation, on the other hand, is about understanding feelings, recognising them early, and finding safe, healthy ways to manage them. It is about meeting emotions with care, not confrontation.

The world keeps telling autistic children they need to be more resilient, but I think what they actually need is support in regulating.

Here’s the difference in practice

Let me give you a couple of examples:

• Teaching a child to say “no” to a family party because they know it will overwhelm them? That is emotional regulation. It is self-awareness. It is healthy.
• Forcing a child to stay in the noisy classroom “to build resilience”? That is not therapy. That is punishment disguised as growth.

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Resilience can be harmful

Too often, emotional resilience becomes a code word for “put up with it.”Sit through it. Push through it. Do it anyway. But here is what that teaches autistic children:

• Your discomfort does not matter.
• Your needs are inconvenient.
• You should keep going, even when your body and brain are in panic mode.

That is not resilience. That is masking. And we now have enough research to show the long-term harm of masking on autistic people’s mental health (Miller et al., 2021; Pearson & Rose, 2021).

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What emotional regulation really looks like

Emotional regulation means helping a child notice their emotions.It means teaching them it is okay to pause. It is OK to feel angry. It is OK not to cope. It is OK to say no. It is about helping them return to calm, not forcing them to cope with chaos.

It is about co-regulation first, helping them feel safe enough with us so they can feel safe with themselves.

Resilience is not the goal. Autonomy is.

What happens when we stop pushing for toughness and start promoting truth? Children feel more in control. They trust us more. They trust themselves more. And with trust comes growth, not because they were forced to push through a meltdown, but because they learned to notice when a meltdown was coming and had permission to step back.

That is not avoidance. That is regulation. That is autonomy.

Let us rethink the narrative

I disagree when people say, “Children need to be more resilient.”

Ask yourself: resilient to what? To trauma? To burnout? To environments that were never designed for them? Autistic children do not need more resilience. They need safer environments. They need understanding. They need regulation tools, not resilience lectures.

Final thoughts

If you are a parent, educator, or professional reading this, please stop asking, “How can I make them stronger?”

Start asking, “How can I help them feel safer?” Because safety builds regulation. And regulation builds trust. And trust builds capacity for learning, growth, and real confidence. That is how we can truly support autistic children to cope in life.